Dads and Daughters: An Essential Relationship

November 3, 2011
Sandy Willson

Can I just take a moment and let’s just talk about dads and their daughters? I went to our youth department and I said to them, “Let me tell you what I heard last week. And—I’ve always known this—but I mean it was just thrown in my face. So I said, “I want to know what you all know about dads and their daughters.”

Can I tell you what I got back? A survey from over 35 young women who have come through our youth group, and here’s the questions that have been asked them. I didn’t even know this was out there in our staff, but they asked the girls who had a negative relationship with their father what problems they experienced. Can I just give you some on the list? 

  • “I doubted that I was valuable or that I could be loved because I never felt loved by my dad.”
  • “Dad didn’t really know me. I’ve always wondered if he actually loved me or if he just loves me because he has to since he’s my dad.”
  • “Dad was always so busy with his work that he wasn’t involved in my life and he wasn’t able to protect me and my heart. I needed my dad to protect me but he was too busy.”
  • “Dads and daughters is such an essential relationship and since that was broken in my life, it affected my confidence, my self esteem, and my self worth. God has done a beautiful work in my life and in healing the wounds but there are still scars. I always felt like because Dad got annoyed with me, ignored me, or walked away from me when I was emotional, it made me feel like I was too much to be loved.”
  • “Dad worked a lot and fought for his work time, but he wouldn’t fight for time with me. I felt like I wasn’t worth fighting for. I wish he had put family before work.”
  • “I don’t know how to respond to guys because I didn’t have a relationship with my dad. I never felt loved by him so I don’t know how to respond when guys are interested in me.”
  • And then, these same young women listed the times when they felt loved by their dad.
  • “I felt loved by my dad when he was intentional in spending quality time with me—he was emotionally and physically present. He came to my games, my plays and events.”
  • “He loved my mom well.”
  • “He supported and encouraged me in whatever I was doing. He unconditionally loved me. He loved me after I failed and loved me when I succeeded.”
  • “He set rules that I was to follow, as well as he lovingly and consistently disciplines and corrects me when I disobey.”

You notice that? If you’re a protector, you set boundaries for their protection, even when they rail against you. And that was made clear in this survey. When they’re emotional and they’re angry at you, you just keep that smile on your heart, put your arms around them and just keep right on going, loving them and protecting them. 

  • “He took an interest in my day to day life, asking me questions and listening. He was intentional in seeking to know me and to take interest in me.”
  • “He had fun with me and laughed with me.”
  • “He told me he loved me and that I was beautiful all the time.”
  • “He talked with me about his relationship with God and encouraged me in the Lord.”
  • “He hugged me.”
  • “He wrote me words of encouragement—written, email, or by text. He was my biggest fan.”

Those are some of the things I learned from our youth department. Here’s something else I learned: that little girls who reach 35 years of age still say about their dad, especially if they’re single: “He’s the man.” So if you have a 35-year old single daughter, let me tell you something: they need every bit as much love from you as your little 6-year old daughter. They’re still your girl. You know this can be expressed in a number of different ways—you know, I guess I better skip that, we’re running out of time. But let me just say that it’s never too late. If you’re 80 and you have a 55-year old daughter, you may be amazed at what a difference it makes when you tell them why you admired them all these 55 years, why they’re so special to you, why they’re lovely to you. And of course if you have a daughter who’s 55 you can’t lie, but tell them they’re beautiful [Laughs]. They need to hear that from you. And if they’re single, they need your involvement in the sense that you’re still interested in their protection. 

One thing I learned about—you know my children are now all 25 years and older—but something I learned even in those teen years, when you’re beginning to show respect for your sons by not invading their territory, and showing them that you respect their boundaries. That’s important with sons. But if you have a daughter, you need to come on in through those boundaries. You need to be willing to be closer to her. It’s not because you love her more—no, it’s because you are assessing her need.

What your son needs from you is your respect and that he’s got your admiration and that you’re treating him like a man. What your daughter needs is someone to come in and love her and pursue her. And when she’s giving you all that emotional ranting and you just want to go out the door, that’s the very moment you should be pursuing her.

And what you’re going to teach her is that any man who is worth being her partner is a man who’s going to pursue her because that’s exactly what you did. And she’s going to look for someone that treats her the same way you treated her. Now I’m looking and some of you have a bunch of daughters and a lot of experience—I only have two. But, I’ve found these things to be true and I’m grateful for this research that’s been done in youth group. And I suggest that all of us realize this is of the essence of being a leader.

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